From back in April…jumping on the trampoline at the Prather’s. Roland wanted to be a part of the fun, but it’s too much work keeping him safe when the big kids are on the trampoline. I go in there and have him sit on my lap, but that’s not where he wants to be, so he wiggles free, and then his body gets flung everywhere with the big bounces of the big kids, so we just hang on the outside.
I’m going to do my best to get caught back up here on this space. I’ve let it take a back seat, along with sleep, and exercising, and other things that I should be doing to take care of myself so I can be nice to my kids during the day. And thus, I’m having a hard time being nice and patient to my kids or myself. Even as I’m typing this I have Roland on my lap eating an apple, and Winnie is standing next to me, grabbing at my neck (my neck is her comfort zone). She just bopped Roland on the head to try to get space on me, and I just screamed. My ability to handle anything graciously has been lost, and I am my worst self most days. I promise I’m working on it. I have been idealizing going back to teaching lately…of once again having an identity. Of getting paid for the work I do. Of time away by myself every day. I know the grass is always greener, and I know this will pass, and I know everything I should be feeling, and I know it’s ok when it doesn’t line up that way.